Knowing it’s time for a marriage referee

marriage conflictCounseling remains a stigma in some people’s mind yet many are seeing that staying together can be challenging but worth fighting for.

Don’t wait until it’s too late. Working through issues while there is still glue in your relationship is more effective than waiting to repair extensive damage. I’ve always been a proponent of building bridges rather than running an ambulance service at the bottom of a cliff.

Unfortunately women are often the only ones calling a counselor. Men’s fragile ego’s get in the way of admitting a referee might help them. They often think things will just work out. Nothing could be further from the truth.


The signs of needing a marriage ref are often obvious and you can’t afford to ignore them. Here are a few to think through:

  • Are you fighting for your marriage or against it? Fighting without rules that often end with unresolved issues is a big sign.
  • If you feel a slow fade away from each other. Look, all relationships aren’t bliss, and couples can experience a temporary feeling of drifting, but entertaining other sexual feelings toward another or use of pornography is a sign that the relationship is drifting apart.
  • You rehash the same issues day after day. Bickering and division simply wears on a relationship.
  • Avoidance of reality. If you are unwilling to face conflict and work things through issues you’ll cause an emotional and physical gap.


There are constructive and gentle ways to work through your marriage. We don’t always see ourselves or our relationship objectively. Therefore, a third party contributing can help eliminate or work through unresolved issues including communication, conflict resolutions and rules of engagement. Seeking sooner than later can eliminate high levels of stress that doesn’t need to be there.

If you want to go and your partner doesn’t, simply let them know you are “concerned for your relationship, you value them and want it to succeed.” If all else fails, go alone.

Meanwhile, make this your focus…..listen without interrupting, speak without accusing, give without sparing, pray without ceasing, answer without arguing, enjoy without complain, and forgive without punishing.

check out more on our Hope2Offer facebook page.

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