One of the things that happen to you when you are abused as a young child is the feeling of “Am I less than human?” Questions like that and “do I matter?” reside for a long time. Even after becoming a Christian I asked God to take this away, take the shame the feelings of inadequacy, heal the wounds, yet they are not instantly healed. And when they aren’t, there are feelings of hate.
Sports gave me an outlet. I could control my own destiny in sports. Just work hard and validation follows a winner. Happiness came from being good and winning! This is how life is supposed to be, I thought. Then work comes and a job doesn’t work out and the feelings of inadequacy pop up again. On to living life married, enjoying success but it’s all masking the deep down pain. The pain turns to anger.
The rush of sports is over, so what will replace the adrenaline high? How about revenge against anyone you feel stands in your way! The high is there, but it’s a vicious circle that never satisfies. There you are, destitute trying to comprehend how you can live this way. Yet you justify it because it validates that deep place that you long to heal.
When one cares less about performance instead thinking about the process one becomes better as a person. That parallels your growth as a human being. For so long you can hang on to past pain thinking it is a medal that you have earned. Grow through it or hang on the the ‘medal’?.
This isn’t a how-to article, just encouragement to try hard to understand the “why” in people. They are their own unique shape for a reason.