We all have a story. We approach life and its circumstances according to our story. Our story shapes our life. Who I think I am can jet fuel growth or railroad my life. Our stories are stored mentally and physiologically. Our bodies compute a situation according to how or what happened to us. That becomes our filter through which we view life through. When we hang on to trauma our bodies decide that what happened to us in the past is still relevant, then our bodies are set on edge, always prepared for danger. Of course this approach burns up resources in our mind and body and left unchecked, we can default to believing that we are always the worst thing that ever happened to us. This often leads to physical health issues such as strokes, cancer, anxiety, etc.
Too often we are hindered because we’ve constructed a story and reconfigured our life around a particular trauma story. Following this thread through our life we’ve in essence created blame. That blame can reduce our life down to a little box. A box that if someone enters it, we feel confronted, oftentimes physically or ideologically. Memory can be a disastrous story teller. And memory is not always objective, it’s more of a navigation tool.
If your memory brings up a trauma, involuntarily or not, it causes stress and even shut down. That is a good sign that you haven’t properly dealt with it, including owning it. It also serves as a warning to you that if not careful you might end up in the same hole. I was told as a young adult that we all bring luggage to a relationship and believe we can shove them into a closet this live a ‘out of site out of mind’ philosophy. The reality is, at some point, we will all be forced to unpack our luggage and face the truth.
COMING UP WITH A PLAN
When these things plague you how do you unpack them? I think it’s hard to do that alone. In this short blog it is impossible to hash out a complete strategy for such complex situations, but let me give you a starting point.
1. Own your story – owning our past, no matter how hard, is a piece by piece process and no piece can be over looked. Owning the past trauma allows you to be in the driver’s seat verses replaying the story that happened to you. Try bringing those memories voluntarily to mind dealing with them in little chunks. Waiting for them to come involuntarily is an ineffective means to deal with trauma. It will not go away voluntarily. Deal with it or it will plague and trigger you. The more you run the more you think you’re winning but actually you are creating unneeded stress. Running admits that what you are running from is bigger than you. Yes, it’s uncomfortable but it’s the only way through it. Your body and mind needs healing.
2. Break it down with accountability – One step at a time, one action at a time allows you take a large ‘monster’ and break it down into steps. I believe we need a reflective mirror, a person or two to help us walk through the pain. Honesty from others can bring up items that your own thoughts simply won’t let happen. Thought is internal dialog. But with a helper, one can dialog, express concerns and distribute. We are social creatures. Going it alone doesn’t work. “Confess and carry one another’s burdens” is biblical. Trustworthy, corrective feedback is worth paying close attention to. Don’t believe the ‘you verses world’ mentality. An intimate relationship helps you function.
3. Communicate – this feeds off number two. If you don’t communicate you will create a back log of communication. Humans need to talk, how much more when we are hurt deeply! Too often we dig our heels in and pride sets in and we shut down or worse, throw rocks at people that don’t deserve the rocks. A regular practice of communication is a skill issue. This is where practicing helps and assistance is needed.
4. Trust the process – We tend to be goal oriented instead of action focused. Since action is required daily, then process needs to happen and that takes time. If you take action on a small section of your trauma that is an action step forward. Instead, bottling up hurt leads to throwing grenades at someone that doesn’t deserve it. Or internalizing hateful self talk leading to the vicious cycle of depression. Remember, it’s easy to say a lot of money over time. Hard to in a short time. Little steps everyday yield eventual and lasting results!
We live through stories that we write. There is a way to rewrite your story. You don’t have to live in the past. Healing can start for you with confession and discussion. Yes, you’ll need humility and vulnerability to work all four steps listed above. But freedom is waiting for you. Your life has purpose.
David is a father, husband, business owner, and ministry leader. He is Founder and Director of a Hope 2 Offer, an Iowa non-profit, focused on counseling and public speaking and a Basketball Skills Development Instructor, since 1994.
Unmasked with David Charleston 